Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Harry Potter Week: Ask Hagrid

Today I'd like to welcome the much loved Care of Magical Creatures Professor at Hogwarts, Rebeus Hagrid! Hagrid's an expert on magical creatures and kindly agreed to answer a few owls that have been addressed to him. Perhaps you will find these of use regarding your own creature-care needs.

Dear Hagrid,

Know any loopholes around the Ban on Experimental Breeding? Let's just say.... my wife wasn't exactly fond of having a Common Welsh Green and a Demiguise on the property anymore. We had a row, she called the Ministry. Got a court hearing next week and I feel like I've swallowed a dozen pixies. Haven't exactly had a squeaky clean record with the Ministry and I'm worried if I don't make it through this, they'll ship me off to Azkaban.

Cheers,
Basil
How'd yeh manage ter get a dragon near a Demiguise without it turnin' invisible? Blimey. You don' still have the eggs do yeh? I'm happy ter look after 'em while you're at yer hearin'. 'Course, the Ministry probably took 'em all, but... yeh hid one, didn' yeh? Send me back the date an' time an' I'll come ter the Ministry with yeh. Got a few records of cases they dismissed where the wizard said he'd swallowed Essence of Insanity by accident. We'll sort yeh out. Let me know 'bout those eggs.

hAgRID,

U R a wIcKeD oLd cOdGeR hU oWEs mE fiFty GalLeOns aNd a bAg oF LAcEwINg fLiEs.

Yeh lousy drunk, I know that's you, Ogden. Cut out s'many newspaper clippings as yeh want, I can still smell yeh dragon breath a mile away. An' I'm not ruddy well givin' yeh those galleons 'til yeh apologise for sneakin' that niffler in my hut. Reckon he stole more'n wha' I owe yeh anyway, so yeh'll be shoutin' me a round of Firewhiskey next time yeh show your face.

Hagrid,


You still breeding those Blast-Ended Skrewts? You told me you'd bring me one next time you came into Hogsmeade and I'm still waiting. How long does it take to make a manticore charm the jewels off a fire crab? Put on a Celestina Warbeck tune and that fire crab will be shooting flames out of it's rear in no time. I paid those galleons up front, Hagrid! You better deliver the goods soon.

- Fergus

Hold yeh hippogriffs. I told yeh, yeh can't just stick 'em in the pumpkin patch and expect 'em ter know wha' ter do. Yeh gotta let the attraction grow. Don' want 'em breedin' baby skrewts while they're tryin' ter bite each other's head off. Takes a little while for the manticore ter come 'round to matin' with a beast lesser than it's kind. Yeh gotta be careful since its sting causes instant death, don't want the parents dead before the kids are born, too many orphans in the world already. I like ter get 'em introduced an' playin' with each other for a while. Love takes longer than a day, yeh ol' mule.

Dear Professor Hagrid,


My Augurey has been constantly moaning the past month and has been much more of an active flier than usual. I'm terrified I'm about to die! I read once that their cries foretell death and I haven't even tried Firewhiskey yet! I'm not old enough to die. There's so much I want to do with my life and I'm still trying to perfect the Love Potion for my next door neighbour. I can't die before he kisses me. Please, Professor, how do I cheat death? If I kill the Augury will that cancel out my own death?

- Too Young To Die

Ar, that's codswallop. The Augurey's don' know when yer'll die any sooner than I do... unless yer go pull on a Crup's tail before it's bin chopped off. Did tha' once when I was seven, nearly bit me fingers off, bless him. Augury's know when it's goin' ter rain... bit wet outside this time of the year, innit? They fly 'round in the wet season and won' stop moanin' 'til the rain's passed over. 'Course, he could be crying 'bout your dope of a neighbour. Don' go chasin' after boys who think they're too good for yeh. Not worth it, trus' me. And don' kill the ruddy Augurey.

Dear Gamekeeper Hagrid

I have a little problem. See, there's this oaf teaching at my school trying to pass as a civilised human. The problem is you can barely understand what the half-breed is trying to say. It comes out in grunts and we don't know if he's trying to teach us about unicorns or acromantulas. Though the acromantula part wouldn't surprise me, he's been known for setting beasts on students. He thinks it's funny. I think it'd be funny if someone managed to put him down. Any suggestions on how to poison a half-giant?

- Draco Malfoy

Yeh listen ter me, Draco..... yeh.... I..... [shakes head, looking defeated]

[Hermione snatches parchment and scribbles furiously]

Dear Draco,


Professor Hagrid will not be wasting his time answering your letter today. Instead, please find enclosed a copy of the highly entertaining book: "The Amazing Bouncing Ferret", for all your ferret-care needs. Includes useful facts such as:
  • Why ferrets like to crawl in small, dark spaces to sleep (hint: because they're spineless jerks)
  • How to say ferret in Latin, Gobbledegook, Mermish and Troll! (pronounciation: Dra-co)
  • Did you know ferrets play a large part in the Hippogriff's diet? Teach your ferrett to say "Hello Buckbeak!"
  • Five ways to spook a ferret (includes a sample pot of Alastor Moody Polyjuice Potion)
  • Worried about your housemates hexing you after catching your fleas? Get rid of those fleas with a 5 Galleon voucher to spend at Magical Menagerie in Diagon Alley.
I hope you find this helpful in aiding your real little problem, Malfoy.
Yours sincerely,
Hermione Granger

I've already ordered my copy of The Amazing Bouncing Ferret from Flourish & Blotts. But they said I might have to wait a few weeks, seems there was a large influx of purchases from Gryffindor house this week

Anyway, thank you so much for stopping by here today, Hagrid! I know you're busy with classes and helping Grawpy come along. Apparently he's stopped trying to tug off Buckbeaks tail, awww. Wonder if I can get Hagrid to teach him to say my name?

Now head on over to the blogs of my witches in crime to read their awesome posts for today:
Liz at Planet Print
Honey at Sniff Books, Not Drugs
Sonia at The Story Queen

5 comments:

  1. LOL at Hermione's letter to Draco! Poor Hagrid, Draco is always so nasty to him! I love all of these, I think you did Hagrid's accent perfectly! I especially like his letter to "Too Young to Die" :P. Hagrid forever! <3

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  2. Ahahaha, Hermione's letter is priceless! :D

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  3. Haha, loved these! Ogden's note is awesome. I agree, you did a perfect accent for Hagrid! And go Hermione! :D

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  4. angelica waterwoodApril 27, 2012 at 10:25 AM

    Ha ha ha ha lol

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