Thursday, July 14, 2011

Harry Potter Week: A Word From Dolores Umbridge

Hem, hem...

It is quite saddening that I must take time from my busy schedule to post here. Though I do not blame you poor, deluded followers. It is with deepest regret that I inform you of the disturbing violation that Brodie, Honey, Liz and Sonia have forced upon your minds. We have evidence of their repeated use of the Imperius Curse on a staggering number of individuals. You may well be finding yourself disoriented and in a slightly confused state of mind at the moment - this is perfectly normal. It is my job today to re-educate you and as best as I can, remove the taint these filthy excuses for witches have imposed upon your intelligence. These bloggers have convinced you - or rather, forced you -  to believe in the lies and disease of Harry Potter. A wanted criminal, his guilt confirmed by his refusal to be questioned by the Ministry of Magic. Instead, running away to hide like a coward while those who support him suffer the consequences.

Whatever lies you have been fed regarding He Who Must Not Be Named infiltrating the Ministry of Magic are completely false. We have always prided ourselves on delivering a just and fair system of government to Britain's wizarding society. For one to claim that a single wizard, no matter his influence, has infiltrated our solid and upstanding Ministry is laughable. But I pose this question to you: Would it really be so bad if the Dark Lord did play a role in our Ministry? Ah, yes. I hear your shocking cries of outrage already! But remember - your ability to understand reason has been greatly diminished. The best comparison I can possibly give is your mind resembles that of a flobberworm. So I urge you to sit a moment and listen, to understand that your disbelief and outrage is really a product of any lingering trace of the Imperius Curse and what I like to refer to as poisonous Potter Fodder.

The wizards and witches you once thought evil, have recently been discovered to be the true heroes of our world. Bellatrix Lestrange, sentenced to Azkaban for use of the Cruciatus Curse on the Aurors, Frank and Alice Longbottom, driving them to insanity. More recently, her brave elimination of the mutt, Sirius Black and the traitorous elf known as Dobby. Lestrange only killed out of honour for our country. Sirius Black was found not to be a supporter of You-Know-Who, but one of Dumbledore's soldiers who played a part in a serious breach of wizarding law when the Order broke into the Ministry to try steal a prophecy and uncover the secrets of the Department of Mysteries. No doubt to fuel their next sinister plot for wizarding domination. Bellatrix, along with a number of individuals known as Death Eaters were there that night and fought valiantly against the Order. Sirius Black was killed and we rejoiced the day his dog years were over for we were free of one more tyrant from our world. A small victory that become even greater a year later with Dumbledore's defeat.

Bellatrix Lestrange did our society a public service - the likes of the Longbottom's are no longer a threat to our world. However it is worth noting that their son appears to be following in their ill-fated footsteps, gathering students to riot against the newest regime at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. One day soon, if he fails to see the error of his ways, he may end up exactly like his mother and father. Perhaps the Ministry will take pity on him and arrange adjoining beds at St. Mungo's. What a happy family reunion that will be for us all to witness. [chuckles]

Such pureblood witches and wizards like Bellatrix are supporters of the Dark Lord. A man who has been alienated for all these years, particularly for his most notable act - the attempted murder of the Potter family. Two success, one failure. Think for a moment, what it would have been like if the Dark Lord had managed to eliminate Harry Potter that day? Our society would be free of half-breeds, mudbloods and muggle-lovers who are jealous of those whose blood runs pure. Who will resort to barbaric lengths to achieve even the slightest pint of power. This is why we are beginning to hear underground rumblings of sporting events such as Muggle-Hunting. Such steps may be necessary to rid our world of the beasts that are so desperately trying to overpower it. The Dark Lord has only your best interests at heart - creating a solid, stable, pure society which only can be achieved once Potter is eliminated. Dumbledore may have been a formidable villain, but his greatest weapon was Potter. Dumbledore had six years overseeing Potter's education and taking a personal hand in twisting his beliefs so-

Talking about that rotter? Oh, Potty wee Potter?
What is this... you are not welcome here! I am Dolores Jane Umbridge, Head of-
*blows raspberries*
I demand you leave at once!
No way to talk to Peevsy. Should report you for that, I should.
You are trespassing on Ministry property. The only one who will be facing charges is you, poltergeist!
[Throws Umbridge's foul kitten plates at her head] Meow and hiss, scratch and piss. Defoul this ugly Ministry Miss!
Stupefy! Impedimenta! CRUCIO! I will be filing a report to the Department of Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures
What's that, your Royal Toadship? Centaur got your tongue? HAHAHAHAHA!
[screams in outrage]
[Peeves turnes upside down and moons her before zooming off]

I have had ENOUGH! THIS is the sort of vermin that has been allowed to reside at Hogwarts for decades. This is what you condone when you support Harry Potter. You have been shown reason. You no longer bear the Imperius Curse. You may be pathetic little flobberworms, but you shoulder a great responsibility - Decide where your loyalties lie. Alongside us at the Ministry as we enter a new era that will be remembered for centuries to come as the turning point in our world or alongside the wasted piece of dung known as Harry Potter, who will soon become nothing more than crumbling bones beneath our feet. There will be no second chances. If you fail to see reason, you will follow in Potter's footsteps. I live by a strict code: "I must not tell lies". I have not told you a single lie today. And I will not be lied to in return. Comment below and pledge your allegiance to the Ministry or expect a visit from authorities.

Yours sincerely,

Dolores Umbridge
Head of the Muggle-Born Registration Committee
Ministry of Magic

Visit the other blogs who have participated in a disgusting show of pro-Potter support this week as they are now under the Ministry's gentle, guiding care:
Liz at Planet Print
Honey at Sniff Books, Not Drugs
Sonia at The Story Queen


  1. Go on Peeves! You tell that Umbridge was a miserable cow she is. She thinks she can get away with posting on our blogs? That old toad, I'll get her for this!

  2. Why are we supposed to listen to you, Umbridge, when you call us pathetic flobberworms? HMM?

    We were doing so much better before that stupid Ministry invasion - who does she think she is anyway?!

    Once again though, I am amazed at your ability to sound exactly like Dolores Umbridge. Are you sure it's ME you guys are supposed to be afraid of? *hides behind Liz and Honey*

  3. Umbridge was only calling those whom supported Dumbledore and Potter's outlandish and radical ideas "flubberworms."

    We must follow the Ministry of Magic and live in a safe, pureblood society which is completely to be under the calming reassurance of Thicknesse and his government.

    The Wizarding World is under threat from Potter, who is an attention-seeking celebrity in pursuit of his "false prophecy" which was falsely composed by Dumbledore as a bid to seize control of the ministry and simply preposterous conspiracy against your beloved country! Dumbledore may be old and wise, however, he uses these characteristics to mask his true ambitions to allow mudbloods and himself to rule the Wizarding World.

    Let's regain our pureblood status together and end this nonsense of the dark lords return at once before Dumbledore, Potter, and their litte "army" drives us all mad!


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